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J Allard’s Body Found

J AllardOn Thursday, the body of Microsoft Executive J Allard was found buried in the backyard of Nintendo of America President Reggie Fils-Aime. J Allard had been missing since early November, 2005, but most people assumed he was busy mountain biking or engaging in some other extreme activity. Police have not confirmed foul play, but they are holding Fils-Aime for questioning.

Fils-Aime responded to any suspicions with a press conference: “People always ask me, ‘Reggie, are you capable of committing a grisly murder?’ I am proud to tell you first, right here and now, absolutely not. On December 17th, right here in the Americas, I will be acquitted of first degree murder. But is that enough? Well, I’ll do you one better. You will be the first to witness my countersuit against the state for defamation. Just look at these numbers…” Reggie then pointed to a series of bar graphs and pie charts.

Microsoft was quick to respond with this statement: “We greatly regret the loss of J Allard, the man responsible for making sure that all Xbox 360s work properly. Unfortunately he wasn’t covered under warranty and received the red ring of death, which happens very rarely. We want to assure the public that the vast majority of Microsoft employee’s families are still enjoying their loved ones and have not had any problems with them. Previous reports of a 30% mortality rate are greatly exaggerated. We offer our condolences to his family and make over team.”

The videogame press expressed that perhaps the console wars have gone too far. “First aggressive price drops, now murder. We are just hoping that the mainstream media does not make this murder out to be videogame related. Videogame violence needs to stop being a scapegoat,” said videogame journalist Dave Maxton, “even if videogames are the direct reason for murder.”

Fils-Aime closed on this note: “My name is Reggie. I am here to plead innocent.”

- Posted by chris

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